My first big introspection

All these days I was racking my brains to find a topic to write on…..i had this over-consuming urge to write, but I didn’t know what to write on. Political issues do not interest me much. I did not really want to do the kind of background-study for a scientific write-up. It seemed to me like I categorically lack an opinion on almost everything! This became clear after a major show-down with my friends who’ve completely given up on me. It felt like I was taken on this exquisite cruise on a foreign land and dropped in the middle of the sea from where help or hope seemed remote. This really put me on an introspection mode.  Coming to think of it, I feel like I regularly take these sojourns far away from the real world and when I return, all is hell! I have no idea what happened and people all over the place are blaming me for what took place in my absence. I feel outright stupid and irritated at the same time. My inner voice keeps screaming “what the hell did I do this time? …somebody please help me!” but I can’t even voice this out….that really pisses off people! It’s like they want to test me on my ability to recognize my mistakes when I am completely unaware that I have committed one. The fact that I always fail to identify my mistake is another mistake in itself. It’s like a default mistake!  So, getting back to the topic, more often than not, they explain my mistakes to me. When they pontificate on my shortcomings, I try to or at least appear to listen to them patiently.  By the time the tirade ends, I am so confused and tired listening to them that all I can manage is a humble “sorry” or a little sob.  It’s not like I am a girl of few words or something…I am generally quite a chirpy person with always something to talk about. But, somehow, in such crisis times I go completely mum. After really thinking about such times, I recognized a pattern. I speak non-stop only about topics that I have initiated or topics that I am passionate about. I don’t have the attention span of a heart beat for any other stuff. I get put-off very easily by things that other people have to say in two cases….the topic disinterests me and it is a complaint about me. I am a lousy listener mainly because my mind is almost always in the multiple-processing mode. I might be listening to a sentence but thinking of something related to the antonym of a word in that sentence. This is just a simple example. Sometimes, I lose track of how I got to where I got! Once this happens, it’s a goodbye to the person and whatever he wanted to convey. I can see why this can irk people, but cannot think of a solution to this.

The thing with immature people is that they have absolutely no idea of what maturity is….yet they are bombarded with “Grow up”, “Act like a mature person”, “stop being so childish”…..its like watching a Japanese movie without subtitles!, like searching for an invisible treasure! All this makes me want to never return from my sojourns. I know I am being escapist when I say this but back in the real world, I don’t gain anything either. I lose my peace, my happiness, my chirpiness….I feel like I am losing a part of me every day.


3 thoughts on “My first big introspection

  1. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your kind of sharp mind Dan cut through the B.S. in any story and reach the truth. You should write political stuff. Only it needs a higher time commitment. As for the immaturity, sometimes you have given me advice that is well-thought and sensitive to the situation. If that’s not maturity, I don’t know what is.

  2. It’s always difficult to form travel between our ‘it’ place and the reality. It’s like inception, dream becomes your reality, and you get lost into it especially when you don’t have anything to come back to. But at the same time, it’s very difficult to leave reality because of the simple reason that ‘it is the reality and you cannot avoid it’.
    When it comes to being a good listener, ‘patience is the virtue’. It is very difficult for most of us to come out of our own mind and by that I mean our own thoughts and actually listen to other people. So it’s not uncommon to not to listen to people so don’t be so hard on yourself. The hardest part is not how to solve the problem, but to know where the problem is. (not that you have a problem or anything) What I mean to say is that once you know what is going on is easy to work on it. “Realization is the KEY”

    • Thanks for your insightful comment Xoryl! Keep visiting! i do agree with you that the first step is realization! Patience….well…i have a long way to go for that 🙂

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