All these days I was racking my brains to find a topic to write on…..i had this over-consuming urge to write, but I didn’t know what to write on. Political issues do not interest me much. I did not really want to do the kind of background-study for a scientific write-up. It seemed to me like I categorically lack an opinion on almost everything! This became clear after a major show-down with my friends who’ve completely given up on me. It felt like I was taken on this exquisite cruise on a foreign land and dropped in the middle of the sea from where help or hope seemed remote. This really put me on an introspection mode. Coming to think of it, I feel like I regularly take these sojourns far away from the real world and when I return, all is hell! I have no idea what happened and people all over the place are blaming me for what took place in my absence. I feel outright stupid and irritated at the same time. My inner voice keeps screaming “what the hell did I do this time? …somebody please help me!” but I can’t even voice this out….that really pisses off people! It’s like they want to test me on my ability to recognize my mistakes when I am completely unaware that I have committed one. The fact that I always fail to identify my mistake is another mistake in itself. It’s like a default mistake! So, getting back to the topic, more often than not, they explain my mistakes to me. When they pontificate on my shortcomings, I try to or at least appear to listen to them patiently. By the time the tirade ends, I am so confused and tired listening to them that all I can manage is a humble “sorry” or a little sob. It’s not like I am a girl of few words or something…I am generally quite a chirpy person with always something to talk about. But, somehow, in such crisis times I go completely mum. After really thinking about such times, I recognized a pattern. I speak non-stop only about topics that I have initiated or topics that I am passionate about. I don’t have the attention span of a heart beat for any other stuff. I get put-off very easily by things that other people have to say in two cases….the topic disinterests me and it is a complaint about me. I am a lousy listener mainly because my mind is almost always in the multiple-processing mode. I might be listening to a sentence but thinking of something related to the antonym of a word in that sentence. This is just a simple example. Sometimes, I lose track of how I got to where I got! Once this happens, it’s a goodbye to the person and whatever he wanted to convey. I can see why this can irk people, but cannot think of a solution to this.
The thing with immature people is that they have absolutely no idea of what maturity is….yet they are bombarded with “Grow up”, “Act like a mature person”, “stop being so childish”…..its like watching a Japanese movie without subtitles!, like searching for an invisible treasure! All this makes me want to never return from my sojourns. I know I am being escapist when I say this but back in the real world, I don’t gain anything either. I lose my peace, my happiness, my chirpiness….I feel like I am losing a part of me every day.